Like the title says. Nothing goes according to plans. But that is ok. Roll with the punches. While making big changes can be helpful it can also be stressful. Lets start at the top. I am overweight and old. Cant do much about being old but I can work on the overweight thing. So I have started. Week one did not go so well. I should have been adding more water. I did and then I didn't. I even set my fitbit to remind me to drink more water but I found I could ignore the fitbit. And eating better! Ha! Well week two not much better than week one. So here we are in week 4 and not much progress. But not giving up. Part of my problem is my morning routine. So for the past 2 weeks I have been working on that. Trying to go to sleep by 10 each night and waking up at 7. So far so good. It seems to be working. I still sometimes get up in the middle of the night to potty but instead of staying up I try to go right back to sleep. I think I have convinced myself that if i got up it was hard to go back to sleep but it really isn't. So this much is an improvement (as if I needed to improve). That is so negative. Change maybe. But improve? Need to change my thinking. I am ok right now. In fact I am good. God loves me just as I am and I need to understand that. I am good.
It is one thing that amazes me and I think about often. While sitting in a parking lot watching people come and go, all different sizes and colors and rich and poor, God loves each and every one of them. Of us. He created us all different. The same in many ways but also different.....sooooo different. But he does not care. He loves us all. Think about that the next time you are standing in line at Walmart (and dont tell me you have never done that). The person who is checking out the customers...God loves her. He made her just the way she is. And the guy in front of you. You know the one. The one who is having a hard time figuring out the machine and how to put his card in. God loves him too. And he made him just the way he is. I often wonder why he made me. I am not so pretty and certainly dont have the perfect body or completion. So why me and why the way I am? I might never know but what I do know is that God does not make mistakes, even though I might think I am one most days. So here I am, not a mistake. God gave me what I have and for that I am grateful. I am also regretful. I regret that while being me along the way, I have taken care of all those around me and forgotten myself in so many ways. I think I felt like it was my purpose to take care of those around me. Granted this is not a conscious feeling or act. More like a reflex action. I just was capable and just did it. But along the way, like I said, I forgot about taking care of me. Did I think it was selfish or did I just not think? I tend to believe the latter. And now that time has passed while I still try to take care of everyone, I am finding it hard to finally take care of me. It just is not in my nature. Do I care how I look? I guess. But do I care what others think? No. But I have to ask myself, do I care what God thinks? One problem is that He loves me no matter what. That does not seem to be a problem I know but think about it. Where is the motivation to do better? To do more. So I dont care. My friends dont care and God does not care. We all love me just like I am. Where is my motivation? I have none. So where do I find it?
My mother was never very helpful in this regard. She would tell me, "you would be so pretty if you just weren't so fat". Talk about negativity. And me....where is the nearest burger joint? I never cared if I made her proud of me because I knew I never could. No matter what I did it would not be enough. I married too young. I married the wrong guy. I didnt finish college. I could never use my art talent to make money. All these things that I could not go or did wrong in my mothers eyes. My dad really didnt figure in much. He was there but I dont remember his input much. But that is where I came from. Now its where am I going. enough excuses. (by the way...I married the right guy.) So I have decided that the motivation is to make my Father proud. God, my Father. Each day I need to start with a prayer affirming that today I will try to make you proud of me. (Funny...I can see him smiling.) What a good way to start. All throughout the day I will keep asking myself, "does this make my Father proud?" "does this make my Father smile?" And at the end of the day, when I close with a pray, I will have to ask "did I make You smile? Did I make You proud?"
I wish I had taught my kids that lesson. I wish I had learned that lesson sooner. But I now I know what I need to do. Make my Father proud.
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